Tuesday, 19 August 2014

The Unexpected Side Effects of a New Relationship

I used to spend half my time enjoying a quiet night in and the other half painting the town red with the craziest people I could find. Then one day, someone came along whom I decided I'd like to be with and things started to change. There were the more obvious changes that everyone expects such as dinner dates and having the desire to actually spend time with someone whilst sober. I also discovered a few changes occurring that I didn't predict. Below is a comprehensive arrangement of the surprising changes I found when I became loved up.

Your house gets a bit weird
These days, I am often confronted by the sight of rather large shoes at the front door. Also, strange things began to appear in my pantry... like... food. My fridge has also fallen victim to this absurd venture. It's almost as if someone who visits my apartment hopes to ensure I consume something that doesn't come from a cardboard box. My apartment's general appearance seems a bit different too, I regularly put my clothes away and wash my dishes. Weird.

You no longer want to spend time alone
I look back on those days with a happy feeling in my chest. I loved the time I had alone to write, read and spend way too much time browsing Thought Catalog. These days though, I'd rather gnaw on my own arm than spend three weeks without him. Too bad he travels for work. Some days we both feel like we run the risk of spontaneously combusting if we don't see each other. However, I'm happy to report that this perilous fate is yet to occur.

Secluded holiday destinations become your thing
While single, I thought of a holiday in the country as torture. I would have preferred to wear a matching tracksuit in public than spend my downtime driving through mountains and hiking scenic trails. Now, instead of spending my Christmas holidays in Vegas, I'm planning to visit Tasmania. What the actual fuck has happened to me? Let me assure you, I have not been coerced into this idea. I actually want to go there to see, like, wineries and mountains.

Being ready to go home at any time
Sure, going out is awesome and it's great to catch up with people but you never find yourself saying you'd like to stay out a bit longer. There's always something waiting for you at home – you know what.

You become 'that girl'
It's usually something like 'that girl who texts her boyfriend while she's out' or 'that girl who communicates with her boyfriend via Instagram'. Any lovebird behaviour you detested when single, you now understand. Be warned, you may actually start performing these behaviours... including becoming 'that jogging couple'.

So what's next? I suppose, as always, time will tell. Will my dignity suffer an untimely death when I become part of a couples' Facebook account? Perhaps I'll spend my Sunday mornings trawling through produce and sniffing roses at a farmer's market. At this point, the only thing I can be sure of is this: even though some of these changes seems rather disconcerting, it's a happy ending for this sardonic, independent lady.

Sunday, 3 August 2014

Writer's Block


It has been two weeks, four days, 19 hours and 55 minutes since my last blog post. I shamefully admit that was resurrected from the ‘Too Shit For Blog’ folder in my Documents Drive. I have been avoiding my blog in recent months due to a personal fear.

This fear began some time ago when I entered into a new relationship. At first I didn’t blog because, as always, a new love is all consuming. I then found it difficult to write, even when I had many hours alone. There were a few sporadic attempts as one would gather from the disregarded documents which are still sitting open, unsaved on my MacBook. It seemed that my former knack for developing ideas and the initial spark of inspiration that once woke me in the middle of the night had vanished.

Then I began to see the issue. My posts are always inspired by current events in my life – ground breaking, right? The development of a new relationship inspired articles such as ‘The Unexpected Side Effects of a New Relationship’ and ‘RIP Batch Life’. I was terrified the blog I’d based on the life of an independent, sardonic young female would no longer appeal to its audience if it contained articles chronicling events that often involved another person.

As unsettling as this growing fear is, I can no longer stay silent. Sadly, it would appear that I can’t even stay silent when my shiny new boyfriend is in the room and I need to suppress flatulence. This shortcoming, along with many others, made me realise that I will navigate my way through this relationship the same way I do with all other aspects of my life. Embarrassed determination will carry me through the honeymoon phase and provide many shameful yet hilarious situations for your reading pleasure.

Stay tuned, shit is about to get humiliating!