Friday, 13 June 2014

PSA: New Superbug, Romanticitis

This is a public service announcement to inform all readers of a new pandemic known as Romanticitis. Many have witnessed or even experienced mild symptoms in the past, however the virus has now become medically identified as a superbug.

To prevent the spread of this debilitating disease, please monitor all members of society for any of the following grotesque symptoms which sufferers may display:
  • A debilitating infatuation with a new love interest.
  • An abnormally busy schedule involving people the patient may not usually associate with e.g. love interest's friends and family.
  • Slow, romantic strolls though leafy avenues and cafe infested neighbourhoods, often filled with laughter, hand-holding, picking flowers and touching love interest's face. In a few very extreme cases, sufferers have been witnessed carving their names into the trunk of a prominent tree.
  • Inability to resist the 'perfect day'. The day tends to include brunch and a stroll through an indy art gallery. This is often followed by a long drive through the country until the sufferers can locate a quaint cottage-style restaurant boasting a view and Devonshire tea.
  • Attending long romantic lunches that involve googly eyes, sharing meals, and apologies from wait staff for interrupting when sufferers are too busy gazing longingly at each other to notice that their meals have arrived.
  • The completion of the simplest and most basic tasks becomes a reason to make-out. These include but are definitely not limited to finding a car park, successfully purchasing movie tickets, parting ways to visit separate public toilets, and agreeing on a wine selection for a dinner party.
The public have been asked to remain vigilant for any signs of Romanticitis. The above symptoms may impact the behaviour of any citizen, including oneself. A brave young male whom fell victim to the virus has come forward to raise awareness of this issue in his local community.

“One day, you wake up feeling good. Then the next thing you know, you're booking a hotel room in your own city and getting knowing smiles from staff at gelato shops... Gelato shops, for god's sake! You're sure they're thinking things like, 'oh yeah, everyone in here knows you two are gonna go home and bone.”

The authorities are warning the general public to remain indoors and take precautionary measures. These measures include:
  • Ceasing all personal grooming regimes.
  • Wearing protective clothing items such as tracksuit pants and stretched t-shirts. If these items are unavailable to you, teaming a pair of Crocs with any outfit will provide the same protection.
  • Disabling all online dating profiles.
  • Limiting social media interaction to close family and unbearably annoying individuals.
If you or someone you know has fallen victim to Romanticistis, please communicate the following to the patient's love interest via text message.

We need to take a break. My ex and I are having a baby. Sorry, not sorry.