Monday, 12 May 2014

The Semi-Respectable Girl's Recipe for Nightlife


Ingredients
Thick heeled shoes
Adorable dress
Waterproof mascara
Bobby pins
Mints
Cab fare (in cash)
Rehearsed polite greeting


Method
Combine a comfortable dress with thick heeled shoes to create an adorable ensemble. When selecting shoes, ensure the heel is thick to assist with walking in them for the entire evening. Removing said shoes is NEVER an option. Your dress should be cute but comfortable. You will need mobility to retrieve your ID when you drop it on the footpath in front of a bouncer. A useful question to ask yourself when selecting a dress is: Can I, or can I not climb a fence in this dress?

When styling hair and makeup, ensure the styles chosen will last well. Waterproof eye makeup is a must along with durable hair. Your top knot may look great at the start of the night but as it loosens, you risk resembling a six year old after a hard day on the playground. Neat hair and makeup  will assist you in gaining entry long after you should have gone home.

Tip: When deciding on a dress, makeup and hair styles, be aware of what component is easiest for you to nail and exploit it e.g. if you have a show-stopping dress, you can look amazing with little effort dedicated to your hair & make up.

When throwing various items into your purse, make room between your Doritos and hip flask for a few bobby pins and mints. During this process, it is also a great idea to put the money needed for your cab trip in your bra. For the love of god, do not let anyone see you do this. Don't be witnessed fishing it out later in the evening, either. The cash is simply there in the event that you lose your purse and have no other way of getting home.

The final thing you will need to prepare for the night will be your polite door greeting. You require a phrase that sounds polite, relaxed and is easy to pronounce. If you can muster a relatively coherent “How are you?” as you surrender your ID, you will appear much more sober than if you slur a “Wazzzzzup?”


Trouble Shooting
The Vom
After a few too many tequila shots, you may feel the need to vomit. The main thing to remember is; it’s possible to endure this ordeal without losing your dignity or cutting your night short. Firstly, you need to order a glass of water and a sweet, fizzy beverage (alcoholic or not, the only per-requisite is a strong flavour). Then casually sip your water while taking up residence in the never ending cue for the bathroom. If you can't wait until you reach a stall, don't resort to chundering in the sink. Discretely turn away from the other girls in line and silently 'deposit' what you need to into the glass of water. If you slightly pucker your lips while vomiting, it will be quieter. Setting the glass down in the corner of the room will not be frowned upon, as long as you don't photobomb any selfies while doing so.

Once you've reached the stall and taken care of things, blow your nose and use the flavoured drink to wash out your mouth. Do not be embarrassed about other patrons hearing you blow your nose... you just avoided spewing on the dance floor and getting carried out by security. Wipe away the flakes of your mascara, down your stash of mints and wash your hands really well – this will assist in easing the feeling of poor hygiene one usually experiences after throwing up in a licensed venue.

Lipstick
Wearing brightly coloured lipstick while drinking is a bit like managing your alcohol consumption. You need to know when it's time to stop reapplying. Crooked lipstick is right up there with removing your shoes – it makes women look atrocious and can easily be avoided. Don’t be that girl.

Access Denied
If you're no longer welcome in the bar, make friends with a busker. There are a few things you need to remember though. You are not a performer, you mustn't talk or yell in an over the top, high-pitched girly voice and finally, they are not a DJ – they aren’t going to smash out some S Club 7 just because you bat your eye lashes.

If you manage to remember these things and make friends, they'll invite you to join in or choose a song. It's quite possible you'll have one of the most awesome nights of your life. Please, ensure you pay them for their efforts because they're nice enough to tolerate the drunk girls who aren't ready to go home yet.

Insomnia
If the vast amount of vodka & Redbull you consumed only dawns on you as you realise you can't pass out, search 'Atari Breakout' in Google Images. This will enable a simple old school video game that requires zero thought. It's just enough to occupy your mind without risking your flawless record on the latest addictive app. You'll be able to play until you fall asleep instead of losing faith in humanity by lying awake, recalling the foul actions of sexually deprived males on the dance floor.

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