Wednesday, 28 May 2014

The Mature Way to Deal with a Hectic Skedge

We’ve all had those weeks where you’re constantly occupied. It starts out with a nice dinner on Wednesday, a birthday party on Saturday and an optometrist appointment the following Thursday. Before you know it, something unexpected pops up that demands the remainder of your time like a major project at work or one of those godforsaken house inspections. When it all gets to be too much and you just want a second to yourself, it can be hard to negotiate a free afternoon without being totally irresponsible. Here are a few tips I’ve come across that never seem to impact your life in a negative manner.

Cancel all medical-related engagements
There’s no need to worry about that funny spot on your back or that numbness in your right arm. You haven’t binge watched TV in days – treat yo self! Rescheduling your appointment at the last minute is payback for all the times you’ve missed happy hour because your doctor was running late.

Bail on that birthday party
So what if your best friend has been there for you through everything? Now is the time to send flowers to her workplace with a cute little card explaining that you won’t make it to her party. You’re too far behind in your Thought Catalog browsing to justify the time required to select an outfit, much less actually make an appearance.

Get your car washed another day
Sure, there is enough avian faecal matter covering your vehicle to ensure unwanted attention from quarantine officers and passengers may actually gasp when exposed to the interior. It’s not like it can get much worse - procrastination is vital in this scenario. You should stay back at work where no one will bother you while you attempt to come up with something resembling a blog post. What’s more important? Preserving the value of a new car or a deadline set by yourself with no actual ramifications if the timeline is not met? Obvi, it’s the latter.

Say yes to that dinner date
You have a house inspection the following day and you’re not entirely sure if you have clean clothes for tomorrow but you don’t need to deal with that stuff tonight. Some would say receiving an adorable dinner invite is the universe telling you that you need a break. Others would say you'll regret your procrastination in the morning. Those haters are clearly unaware of the empowering nature behind social media and hashtags such as #noregrets.

Ignore your phone
You receive a random call while you're getting reacquainted with Instagram. What do you do? You certainly can't answer it, then insist you require quiet time. That phone call could be work related or worse, it could be your doctor calling because you missed your appointment (Ok, so you didn't actually cancel it in the first place). When you begin to feel guilty about wasting their time and an appointment slot that someone could have used, just remind yourself that you didn't slash anyone's tires. There are worse people out there.

Be Aggressive
When you get stressed and feel as though you'd convert to Hasidism if it guaranteed a quiet moment, taking it out on other people is a sure fire way to ensure those event invitations cease rolling in. You'll never have to endure another acquaintance’s house warming or baby shower if you chew them out for acknowledging you when you enter a room. It's a rather effective way to set yourself up for the future. Remember, planning ahead is vital for achieving success.

Tuesday, 20 May 2014

Five People You Meet in a Group Workout

Ok folks, for those of you who don't speak fluent Fitness Freak, I've done the research. Below are the CliffsNotes to people you should look out for in your first training session.

The Go-Getter
They're always at the front of the pack and never appear to tire. Your first instinct may be to internally enter a jealous rage and hate them. That feeling will last approximately three seconds. Then they'll help you or have a friendly chat and you'll keep your green-eyed monster in check. This person may even become one of your favourite workout buddies.

The Bailer
Maybe not everyone, but most people want to give up at some point during a workout. Usually the fear of your trainer will keep you going. Those who have the guts to disobey the person they're paying to whip them into shape are called a Bailer. Depending on how brave The Bailer is, they may sneakily give up on the last set of burpies or they may actually leave the session early. If you, yourself are a bailer, my trainer has a great mantra for you: your mind will give up before your body. I know this to be true. Countless times I've wished I could pass out just to avoid dragging my arse around the circuit again.

The Chuck Norris
Despite their age, this person has got it going on. In my experience, The Chuck Norris is usually older and can do just about anything. No matter how long the training session lasts, they're always putting in 100%. They also manage to look great while killing it. They often have slightly tanned skin that doesn't go red at the thought of physical activity and their hair never frizzes. I think everyone hopes to turn into a Chuck Norris one day. Sadly, I don't have the complexion for it.

The Trainer
Some can be pure evil, others are decent human beings. You never know which type you prefer until you feel like you're going to vomit and someone either yells at you or casually states that you can do it. Some may even take the nice trainers for granted until they find themselves knee deep in exhaustion while an evil trainer is screaming at them in a Gordon Ramsay fashion. Don't be fooled by the nice trainer's positive facade, though. If you're caught purchasing a brownie after a training session, they will smile while asking the server to swap your snack for something more healthy. This is another clever way they can trick you into running... even if it's out of a cafe with chocolatey goodness in your clutches.

You're attending the training session even though it's not really your 'thing' because you're trying to better yourself. In an ideal world, you'd be one of those people who are addicted to exercise without ever putting in the hard yards to build up your fitness. During the session, you come to the realisation that you can better yourself from the comfort of your lounge. While trying to endure walking lunges, you make a mental note to watch Nat Geo the next time you're hit with the urge to make something of yourself.

It's important to remember that all of these people are necessary for a successful group training session. While your version of improvement may be 20km less than someone else's, watching them push themselves is inspirational. You hate yourself during the training and often the day after. However, when the session ends, the endorphins rushing through your body make you say something crazy like “See you next time.” You then have no choice but to return and so, the cycle begins. You're on your way to becoming fit.

Monday, 12 May 2014

The Semi-Respectable Girl's Recipe for Nightlife

Thick heeled shoes
Adorable dress
Waterproof mascara
Bobby pins
Cab fare (in cash)
Rehearsed polite greeting

Combine a comfortable dress with thick heeled shoes to create an adorable ensemble. When selecting shoes, ensure the heel is thick to assist with walking in them for the entire evening. Removing said shoes is NEVER an option. Your dress should be cute but comfortable. You will need mobility to retrieve your ID when you drop it on the footpath in front of a bouncer. A useful question to ask yourself when selecting a dress is: Can I, or can I not climb a fence in this dress?

When styling hair and makeup, ensure the styles chosen will last well. Waterproof eye makeup is a must along with durable hair. Your top knot may look great at the start of the night but as it loosens, you risk resembling a six year old after a hard day on the playground. Neat hair and makeup  will assist you in gaining entry long after you should have gone home.

Tip: When deciding on a dress, makeup and hair styles, be aware of what component is easiest for you to nail and exploit it e.g. if you have a show-stopping dress, you can look amazing with little effort dedicated to your hair & make up.

When throwing various items into your purse, make room between your Doritos and hip flask for a few bobby pins and mints. During this process, it is also a great idea to put the money needed for your cab trip in your bra. For the love of god, do not let anyone see you do this. Don't be witnessed fishing it out later in the evening, either. The cash is simply there in the event that you lose your purse and have no other way of getting home.

The final thing you will need to prepare for the night will be your polite door greeting. You require a phrase that sounds polite, relaxed and is easy to pronounce. If you can muster a relatively coherent “How are you?” as you surrender your ID, you will appear much more sober than if you slur a “Wazzzzzup?”

Trouble Shooting
The Vom
After a few too many tequila shots, you may feel the need to vomit. The main thing to remember is; it’s possible to endure this ordeal without losing your dignity or cutting your night short. Firstly, you need to order a glass of water and a sweet, fizzy beverage (alcoholic or not, the only per-requisite is a strong flavour). Then casually sip your water while taking up residence in the never ending cue for the bathroom. If you can't wait until you reach a stall, don't resort to chundering in the sink. Discretely turn away from the other girls in line and silently 'deposit' what you need to into the glass of water. If you slightly pucker your lips while vomiting, it will be quieter. Setting the glass down in the corner of the room will not be frowned upon, as long as you don't photobomb any selfies while doing so.

Once you've reached the stall and taken care of things, blow your nose and use the flavoured drink to wash out your mouth. Do not be embarrassed about other patrons hearing you blow your nose... you just avoided spewing on the dance floor and getting carried out by security. Wipe away the flakes of your mascara, down your stash of mints and wash your hands really well – this will assist in easing the feeling of poor hygiene one usually experiences after throwing up in a licensed venue.

Wearing brightly coloured lipstick while drinking is a bit like managing your alcohol consumption. You need to know when it's time to stop reapplying. Crooked lipstick is right up there with removing your shoes – it makes women look atrocious and can easily be avoided. Don’t be that girl.

Access Denied
If you're no longer welcome in the bar, make friends with a busker. There are a few things you need to remember though. You are not a performer, you mustn't talk or yell in an over the top, high-pitched girly voice and finally, they are not a DJ – they aren’t going to smash out some S Club 7 just because you bat your eye lashes.

If you manage to remember these things and make friends, they'll invite you to join in or choose a song. It's quite possible you'll have one of the most awesome nights of your life. Please, ensure you pay them for their efforts because they're nice enough to tolerate the drunk girls who aren't ready to go home yet.

If the vast amount of vodka & Redbull you consumed only dawns on you as you realise you can't pass out, search 'Atari Breakout' in Google Images. This will enable a simple old school video game that requires zero thought. It's just enough to occupy your mind without risking your flawless record on the latest addictive app. You'll be able to play until you fall asleep instead of losing faith in humanity by lying awake, recalling the foul actions of sexually deprived males on the dance floor.