Monday, 31 March 2014

The Perks of Pretending to be an Adult

It's Sunday morning, I'm having breakfast in the park while doing a bit of work. Sounds super mature and a little bit boring, right? Perhaps I should explain the scenario in a bit more depth. I'm hungover, I've had two hours sleep, 'breakfast' is Powerade and a bag of Sour Patch Kids and 'work' is writing this article.

You see, I'm what you'd call a pretend adult. I'm 23 years old, I live on my own, I'm financially independent with a decent job and I wash my clothes on a regular basis. That's about as far as I've come in terms of getting my life together. I don't cook, make my bed, eat vegetables or do one of those weekly grocery shops. Despite my shortcomings, nearly being an adult is kinda fun. Here's a few perks one may not usually consider. 

People bring you snacks
Seriously, a bunch of people buy me chocolate and Red Bull. Not everyday but a couple of times a month someone will walk into the office with a few Freddos or a block of chocolate for me. After years of being perplexed by this phenomenon, I asked one of my donors why they did it. His response was something along the lines of, “because we love to see your little face light up”. As sarcastic as the response was, I can see where he's coming from. I do smile and excitedly wriggle around in my chair whenever someone hands over the sugary goodness.

Minimal cooking required
Pretending to be an adult often means having microwave meals or take away for dinner as 'cooking' is strictly limited to chicken nuggets. One of the many benefits of eating like a five year old is I have lots of room in my fridge for alcohol and pizza boxes. I'm absolutely bewildered by the thought of people dedicating their Sunday afternoon to making lunches for the week. Wouldn't that time be better spent at a Sunday sesh or watching Seinfeld?

You can legitimately sleep with stuffed animals
I have a unicorn, his name is Percy. Sure, it's weird but I'm ok with that. The good part is, anyone who comes to my apartment isn't going to question the head of a plush unicorn poking out from the covers of my unmade bed. They just see it and think, yeah, that makes sense.

It's exciting when you do something remotely responsible
For months I'd been meaning to get an umbrella. I finally did the other day and I was so excited to use it that I dragged my arse down to New Farm Park in the rain this morning. I also feel an overwhelming sense of accomplishment when I get my car washed or bother to get fuel before the empty light comes on.

Matching socks are overrated
I know I'm completely wrong but I tell myself that people who have time to match their socks up must have already fulfilled their life goals. That energy could be put towards much more productive activities like assignments, investment research or working overtime. Once I've achieved everything I want in life, I may give a damn about my socks but I'm not making any promises.

The cool aunty
Amy Poehler's Mean Girls line, “I'm not like a regular mum, I'm a cool mum” comes to mind. You know that saying about taking a village to raise a child? Well I'm the village member who is guaranteed to get on the playground and sift through toy shops to find the coolest gifts. True to the stereotype, I also manage to disappear when it's nappy changing time.

No need for ironing
I agree with grown ups when they say a wrinkled shirt looks bad. This is the reason I rarely purchase clothes that require ironing but alas, sometimes you just can't help it. More than once I've triumphantly avoided getting that ridiculous ironing board out by using my hair straightener to smooth my clothes. It totally works. 

Often guilty, rarely a suspect
Just the other day I managed to get a free CityCat ride because the operator expected a group teenagers to be the culprits of my $0 balance go card. Oh yeah, you can call me rebellious. This tactic works quite frequently on many levels but I shan't be one of those dumbarses who admit guilt on the internet.

It would take me quite some time to create an extensive list of perks and to be perfectly honest, I don't think I could hold your attention for that long. Just take comfort in the knowledge that other advantages include drinking chocolate milk from a wine glass, not living in a share house and spending your grocery money on whiskey and rollerskates. 

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