Monday, 17 March 2014

Ten Reasons Why Dating is THE WORST

1.  Awkwardness... duh. There's no way I want to waste a Friday night trying to appear calm and relaxed while I'm actually nervous and can feel my face changing to the rather unflattering shade of 'mortified rouge'.

2.  Outfits are always a major deal. Until you go on a date, you never realise how many ways “nice” attire can be interpreted. Before you know it, you're the girl in the LBD with the guy wearing sneakers.

3.  The door thing – boys just can't win here. If you don't open the door for me, I'm ok but I make a mental note in the 'cons' column. If you trip while trying to beat me to the door, you look like a bit of a moron and I have to feel bad for you.

4.  I can pay for my own goddamn dinner. I work hard for my paycheque, I don't need some guy rubbing the gender pay gap in my face. Nor am I going to fall for the obligatory make out sesh just because he bought me some chicken.

5.  Finding the line between providing enough information about yourself and over sharing is a real challenge for me. Usually, the fear of recounting my parents' divorce in excruciating detail leads me to completely avoiding any talk about my family. Being the girl who doesn't discuss her family is just as weird.

6.  Dating is exhausting. Trying to deliver an Oscar winning performance while acting interested and interesting simultaneously is asking far too much of any human being.

7.  Your date will always have some major deal breaker. Will they make fat jokes? Will they be a little bit racist? Will they be rude to the waiter? While I'm trying to ignore these terrible traits in order to survive the evening, I try to distract myself by imagining what kind of deal breakers I possess for him. Is he against people with intelligence? Does he not like amazing hair? Does he find flawless wit repulsive?

8.  Ben & Jerry’s is designed to be eaten out of the container while watching TV. It's not to be consumed while admiring the view of your city and breaking out cheesy lines like “yeah, it's pretty... but you're prettier.” Eww.

9.  There's obviously a lot of pressure in saying goodnight. In my experience, it's always been hard to decide if I should reject them and walk inside without a kiss or give them a peck on the cheek and cowardly ignore their texts for the next week or so. I know, I'm a bad person.

10.  The worst case scenario: you have a wonderful evening. This can be terrifying for two reasons. Firstly, you enjoyed yourself but the other person didn't. Secondly, you both enjoyed yourselves and you have to relive all of the above horrors again on date number two. Also, who's to say there won't be a third, fourth and fifth date? This could literally continue forever.

Needless to say, dating isn't really my thing. Until technology finds a way I can go from meeting a stranger (who just happens to be a French Canadian NHL player) to us both being instantly besotted with each other, I shan't be participating in this torturous ritual any longer. I can only imagine how inconsolable the male population will be after reading about how lovely and accepting I am.

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