Monday, 31 March 2014

The Perks of Pretending to be an Adult

It's Sunday morning, I'm having breakfast in the park while doing a bit of work. Sounds super mature and a little bit boring, right? Perhaps I should explain the scenario in a bit more depth. I'm hungover, I've had two hours sleep, 'breakfast' is Powerade and a bag of Sour Patch Kids and 'work' is writing this article.

You see, I'm what you'd call a pretend adult. I'm 23 years old, I live on my own, I'm financially independent with a decent job and I wash my clothes on a regular basis. That's about as far as I've come in terms of getting my life together. I don't cook, make my bed, eat vegetables or do one of those weekly grocery shops. Despite my shortcomings, nearly being an adult is kinda fun. Here's a few perks one may not usually consider. 

People bring you snacks
Seriously, a bunch of people buy me chocolate and Red Bull. Not everyday but a couple of times a month someone will walk into the office with a few Freddos or a block of chocolate for me. After years of being perplexed by this phenomenon, I asked one of my donors why they did it. His response was something along the lines of, “because we love to see your little face light up”. As sarcastic as the response was, I can see where he's coming from. I do smile and excitedly wriggle around in my chair whenever someone hands over the sugary goodness.

Minimal cooking required
Pretending to be an adult often means having microwave meals or take away for dinner as 'cooking' is strictly limited to chicken nuggets. One of the many benefits of eating like a five year old is I have lots of room in my fridge for alcohol and pizza boxes. I'm absolutely bewildered by the thought of people dedicating their Sunday afternoon to making lunches for the week. Wouldn't that time be better spent at a Sunday sesh or watching Seinfeld?

You can legitimately sleep with stuffed animals
I have a unicorn, his name is Percy. Sure, it's weird but I'm ok with that. The good part is, anyone who comes to my apartment isn't going to question the head of a plush unicorn poking out from the covers of my unmade bed. They just see it and think, yeah, that makes sense.

It's exciting when you do something remotely responsible
For months I'd been meaning to get an umbrella. I finally did the other day and I was so excited to use it that I dragged my arse down to New Farm Park in the rain this morning. I also feel an overwhelming sense of accomplishment when I get my car washed or bother to get fuel before the empty light comes on.

Matching socks are overrated
I know I'm completely wrong but I tell myself that people who have time to match their socks up must have already fulfilled their life goals. That energy could be put towards much more productive activities like assignments, investment research or working overtime. Once I've achieved everything I want in life, I may give a damn about my socks but I'm not making any promises.

The cool aunty
Amy Poehler's Mean Girls line, “I'm not like a regular mum, I'm a cool mum” comes to mind. You know that saying about taking a village to raise a child? Well I'm the village member who is guaranteed to get on the playground and sift through toy shops to find the coolest gifts. True to the stereotype, I also manage to disappear when it's nappy changing time.

No need for ironing
I agree with grown ups when they say a wrinkled shirt looks bad. This is the reason I rarely purchase clothes that require ironing but alas, sometimes you just can't help it. More than once I've triumphantly avoided getting that ridiculous ironing board out by using my hair straightener to smooth my clothes. It totally works. 

Often guilty, rarely a suspect
Just the other day I managed to get a free CityCat ride because the operator expected a group teenagers to be the culprits of my $0 balance go card. Oh yeah, you can call me rebellious. This tactic works quite frequently on many levels but I shan't be one of those dumbarses who admit guilt on the internet.

It would take me quite some time to create an extensive list of perks and to be perfectly honest, I don't think I could hold your attention for that long. Just take comfort in the knowledge that other advantages include drinking chocolate milk from a wine glass, not living in a share house and spending your grocery money on whiskey and rollerskates. 

Monday, 17 March 2014

Ten Reasons Why Dating is THE WORST

1.  Awkwardness... duh. There's no way I want to waste a Friday night trying to appear calm and relaxed while I'm actually nervous and can feel my face changing to the rather unflattering shade of 'mortified rouge'.

2.  Outfits are always a major deal. Until you go on a date, you never realise how many ways “nice” attire can be interpreted. Before you know it, you're the girl in the LBD with the guy wearing sneakers.

3.  The door thing – boys just can't win here. If you don't open the door for me, I'm ok but I make a mental note in the 'cons' column. If you trip while trying to beat me to the door, you look like a bit of a moron and I have to feel bad for you.

4.  I can pay for my own goddamn dinner. I work hard for my paycheque, I don't need some guy rubbing the gender pay gap in my face. Nor am I going to fall for the obligatory make out sesh just because he bought me some chicken.

5.  Finding the line between providing enough information about yourself and over sharing is a real challenge for me. Usually, the fear of recounting my parents' divorce in excruciating detail leads me to completely avoiding any talk about my family. Being the girl who doesn't discuss her family is just as weird.

6.  Dating is exhausting. Trying to deliver an Oscar winning performance while acting interested and interesting simultaneously is asking far too much of any human being.

7.  Your date will always have some major deal breaker. Will they make fat jokes? Will they be a little bit racist? Will they be rude to the waiter? While I'm trying to ignore these terrible traits in order to survive the evening, I try to distract myself by imagining what kind of deal breakers I possess for him. Is he against people with intelligence? Does he not like amazing hair? Does he find flawless wit repulsive?

8.  Ben & Jerry’s is designed to be eaten out of the container while watching TV. It's not to be consumed while admiring the view of your city and breaking out cheesy lines like “yeah, it's pretty... but you're prettier.” Eww.

9.  There's obviously a lot of pressure in saying goodnight. In my experience, it's always been hard to decide if I should reject them and walk inside without a kiss or give them a peck on the cheek and cowardly ignore their texts for the next week or so. I know, I'm a bad person.

10.  The worst case scenario: you have a wonderful evening. This can be terrifying for two reasons. Firstly, you enjoyed yourself but the other person didn't. Secondly, you both enjoyed yourselves and you have to relive all of the above horrors again on date number two. Also, who's to say there won't be a third, fourth and fifth date? This could literally continue forever.

Needless to say, dating isn't really my thing. Until technology finds a way I can go from meeting a stranger (who just happens to be a French Canadian NHL player) to us both being instantly besotted with each other, I shan't be participating in this torturous ritual any longer. I can only imagine how inconsolable the male population will be after reading about how lovely and accepting I am.

Monday, 10 March 2014

The A - Z of Millennial Ridicule

ADD Generation – We find it hard to focus on one activity for extended periods because we spend the majority of our time multitasking. This complaint relates to singular tasks as well as employment, relationships and living arrangements.

Boredom – Boomers & Gen Xs love to say that we get bored easily. Back in their day, they could spend an entire afternoon throwing a ball against a brick wall. Yawn.

Children – We may have jobs and houses but many of us still spend our spare time playing Playstation. Professional Gamer is a thing now. Deal with it.

Duck face РTouch̩. Not our finest move.

Economics – Many say we don't have our priorities in order because as a generation, we are less motivated to purchase real estate. We find the share market or travel to be more appealing ways to spend big.

Forget About It – A survey conducted by Trending Machine showed that Millennials were more likely to forget what day it was or where they left their keys than people over 55.

Gay marriage – We are the generation most dedicated to its legalisation. Some peeps see this as a problem. No words can describe their stupidity.

Hashtags – For everyone whining about Millennials not knowing what # is actually called, calm down. This problem solely affects Gen Zs who have not yet been called up to defend their every move. Be patient, soon they'll all be old enough for toilet training and it'll be socially acceptable to crucify them.

ido-hickies – Apparently no gadget is good enough for us unless it has this ingenuous lowercase letter placed before it.

Jeans – It doesn't matter if they're saggy or skinny jeans both have drawn criticism. Perhaps we should reinvent ourselves as the 'no pants' generation.

Kardashians – Obama said Kim & Kanye were teaching us that the definition of success was going on lavish holidays and owning expensive shiny things. We're the most educated generation so far – whether we watch the Kardashians or not, the majority of us know we don't want to be them.

Laziness – One of our most widely criticised traits. Personally, I find it absurd that an entire generation can be lazy. How would any member of our generation finish school, obtain a driver's license or seek employment if we were all lazy?

Me – The only person we are said to care about. Somehow, critics have the audacity to claim this while simultaneously acknowledging we're more accepting of cultural diversity than previous generations.

Negativity – Our parents taught us to study hard so we can be whatever we want. Then we entered the workforce during the GFC and realised we were fed bullshit. Wouldn't anyone be negative after that?

Over privileged – Our grandparents claim that we were given everything we ever wanted during childhood so these days, we take it all for granted. We certainly haven't worked hard for anything. Someone just handed us degrees, salaries, houses and cars.

Praise Junkies – Older employers claim that Millennials require too much praise and reassurance to get the job done. You have yourselves to thank for giving us participation medals and nurturing our egos.

Quick to judge – Previous generations believe we think they're fools and have no time for them or their experience. Boomers, we are aware of your life skills and wisdom – most of us were raised by you guys.

Returning to the nest – Would the older generations prefer us to purchase houses we can't afford and create a sub-prime mortgage crisis? Oh wait, they already did that which warrants generation labels like “peter pan” and “boomerang” unnecessary.

Selfies – Sure, it's narcissistic. As if any other generation hasn't been in love with themselves at some point. In our defence, Obama does it too.

Technology – There's no doubt we're the original tech savvy generation. The next time older generations want to complain about our love for all things electronic, they should try lasting a week without email.

Unrealistic – Baby Boomer employers claim that Millennials enter job interviews with unrealistic expectations of salary, working hours and progression. Would you prefer to spend your money on employees who aren't dedicated to working hard in order to obtain higher remuneration?

Vintage – When we attempt to embrace trends from previous generation's popular culture, we're scoffed at for dressing as though we live on the street and listening to music our grandparents liked.

Why me? – We have nothing better to do than sit around complaining all day. Please note: Our critics have so many complaints about Millennials that I'm able to list them in an A – Z format.

X Rated – Baby Boomers claim that we are over sexualised when it comes to our clothing and open behaviours. Do we really need to remind them who invented Playboy?

Young & Dumb – Regardless of the many advancements we've contributed to society, our critics still brush us off as inexperienced. This is by far, the most condescending and frustrating argument I come across in my daily life.

Zombies – Sure, we ride public transport with blank expressions and headphones. We may or may not have mastered the ability to walk while looking at our phones and not run into anything. Other generations could hi-five us for these achievements but instead they label us zombies.

Monday, 3 March 2014

Being Sick Makes You Evil

...either that or I'm using a common cold to disguise the fact that I'm actually the worst person in the world.

After spending the entire night coughing up my soul, I dragged my ass to work simply because I felt like a dead shit when I thought about calling in sick. Thankfully, my boss has a heart and sent me home straight away. He may have been more worried about his immune system than mine but I'm grateful nonetheless.

During my night of insomnia, I Google Imaged the shit out of next season's trends and decided on a few key pieces I needed to get – right now. That decision may have been made by the cough syrup. Seriously, I even wrote a list and noted specific details I wanted in a goddamn sweater dress. That is the perfect example of insanity triggered by boredom.

Anyway, I found myself with two choices: go home to bed and resume my faux nap or sick-shop my way to health and happiness. My doctor is near the biggest shopping centre in Brisbane so it was almost responsible for me to shop. Sadly, it wasn't the best idea I've ever had. I'm now sitting in a cafe feeling an interesting mixture of guilt and defeat. Despite my best efforts, I don't have the energy or patience required to find the perfect combination of textures in a pair of leggings right now.

I have however, managed to find sprinkles of happiness in the little things. I managed to make a sales guy fear for his job by asking him to stop harassing me. I also glared at a small child when they were screaming. I even managed to freak out the fellow patrons of this lovely little cafe by coughing like a middle-aged man who lives in a boarding house.

I'm now daunted by the task of facing my idiotic doctor. Yeah I know, he has to be smart because he's a doctor. My opinion is based on an incident where I couldn't walk and instead of referring me to physio, he told me to YouTube physio exercises. He also sounds really dumb when he speaks and wears the most hideous shirts, not in an ironic way. The only reason I still see him is because I never have the energy to find a new doctor when I need to visit one.

See what I mean? I'm a terrible person today. I fear I may be so horrible that I could inspire Gandhi himself to bitch slap me. The only way I can possibly save humanity from my satanic tendencies is to limit myself to the confines of my apartment. Hopefully, a fluffy new blanket and terrible girly movies will be enough to cure me.