Friday, 14 February 2014

Garth Algar Is My Spirit Animal

Most people think of Garth Algar as Wayne Campbell's best friend in the hilarious creation known as Wayne's World. I, however, think of him as a blonde version of myself combined with the genius of Einstein and the awesomeness of... Tyra – a 17 year old from New York whose Tumblr page is the first thing to come up when you google “the most awesome person in the world”. That didn't work out as I'd planned. Lets move on.

Firstly, we kind of look a little bit similar. When I wake up in the morning and put on my glasses, I look like a feminine, dark haired version of Garth. My glasses are the same as his and despite my best efforts, my hair also resembles his in the mornings. On the days that I can't be bothered, I spend the entire day looking like him. Sorry about that, world.

Unbearable awkwardness is one of the many personality traits I share with Garth. In social situations, I rarely volunteer to talk to people I don't know. If I have to, my face goes red and I can't think of anything to say. It's rather terrible to experience first hand. Especially if that person happens to be an attractive young male. Thankfully, I've never fallen off my chair at the sight of a boy but I have tripped up stairs before.

I also have a love for Bohemian Rhapsody. Just last weekend I was at a club and they played it. I then spent the entire song dancing like Garth. Not intentionally, that's just how I dance. Side note: why doesn't Freddie Mercury come up when you google the most awesome person in the world? What the eff, Google? Sadly, Garth and I don't have the same opinion of Jimi Hendrix. As much as I daydream, I've never managed to include one of his songs. Especially not with a hot chick making doughnuts.

Benjamin: “How do you feel about making a change?”
Garth: “We fear change”
Me: “Amen brother!”

I know you're supposed to embrace change and see the positive side of it. I try to embrace it most of the time but if a super attractive man with slicked back hair asked me that question when no one else was around I'd say the same thing. That change he's referring to could be anything i.e “how would you feel about me changing your consciousness using rohypnol, then moving you to a secondary location?” Thanks for the offer but I'm going to have to pass on that one, Benjamin.

Aside from our similarities, I also find his ingenuity astounding. Who the hell thinks to keep a weapon charged with electricity in the boot of their car? Also, who has the guts to use it on a person who can only be described as a man-yeti? In terms of self defence, I have a lot of work ahead of me if I want to be as awesome as this guy. I'm also yet to make $5,000 in a single day but when I do, I'm definitely installing a red licorice dispenser in my car.

At the end of the day, I guess I should acknowledge that I'll never dress like Garth. I'm enjoying the revival of 90s grunge but I swear on all that is sacred that I will never own a flannelette shirt, as long as I shall live. Feel free to hold me to that.

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