Thursday, 27 February 2014

Epic Pick Up Fails

Whether it's a line, romantic gesture or interpretive dance, some attempts to pick up go way beyond the realm of reasonable behaviour. After a rather embarrassing encounter today, I have been inspired to share some of the more hilarious and questionable attempts my friends and I have experienced. In the interest of preventing death by embarrassment, identities have remained anonymous.

Two girls are walking down the street, it's nearly dark. A car drives past, then turns around and drives back the other way. While passing, the driver slows down and yells out, “hey puss!” I don't know where this guy ended up in life but I'm pretty sure he's still single.

A boy and girl meet in a club. She tries to ask him something but he can't hear what she's saying. The girl pulls her phone out and types a message to the boy – something along the lines of, “Come home with me.” He found it impossible to reject such eloquence.

A few guys were standing at a bar. Two girls walk up to be served. One of the guys begins attempting to communicate with the girls using sign language. His friend explains that he's deaf but can lip read. He asks the girls to dance with him and the girls politely oblige. When the song is over, the girls go to leave but the boy begins to speak. He was faking the entire time... much like any girl who has ever slept with him, I'm sure.

A group of girls hire a male topless waiter for a hen’s night. Throughout the evening, one of the attendees discovers that she works with the waiter's father. The girl and the waiter's father both become the butt of a few harmless jokes. The name 'Pimp Daddy' is thrown around. The father's boss attempts to put in a good word for the waiter and asks if she'd like his number. If he didn't ask his father's boss to help him pick up, or take his clothes off for a living she would have considered it.

And finally, my favourite: A guy travels from Ireland to Australia to stay for a year. While here, he meets a girl. They have a casual, no strings attached relationship which both parties claim to be comfortable with. The guy's year finishes and he returns home to a small town in Ireland. A couple of weeks later, his friends are at the local pub when they're approached by an Australian girl. She travelled half way around the world to perform a Love Actually-style romantic gesture. The guy spends the next few days hiding out, avoiding her at all costs. He hopes the girl returns home but years later, may still fear her peeking through his bathroom window.

Please let the record show that I, Kirra Jarman, have no game. I'm not the type of person to give advice on this kind of thing. All I can say is that nobody wins from these outrageous attempts to get someone’s attention. Personally, I’m hoping for a revival of the old school napkin move. If I was at lunch and someone gave me a napkin with a compliment and their number written on it, I'd be happy. There's no need to pretend you have a disability or get your father's boss involved in the persuit.

Friday, 14 February 2014

Garth Algar Is My Spirit Animal



Most people think of Garth Algar as Wayne Campbell's best friend in the hilarious creation known as Wayne's World. I, however, think of him as a blonde version of myself combined with the genius of Einstein and the awesomeness of... Tyra – a 17 year old from New York whose Tumblr page is the first thing to come up when you google “the most awesome person in the world”. That didn't work out as I'd planned. Lets move on.

Firstly, we kind of look a little bit similar. When I wake up in the morning and put on my glasses, I look like a feminine, dark haired version of Garth. My glasses are the same as his and despite my best efforts, my hair also resembles his in the mornings. On the days that I can't be bothered, I spend the entire day looking like him. Sorry about that, world.

Unbearable awkwardness is one of the many personality traits I share with Garth. In social situations, I rarely volunteer to talk to people I don't know. If I have to, my face goes red and I can't think of anything to say. It's rather terrible to experience first hand. Especially if that person happens to be an attractive young male. Thankfully, I've never fallen off my chair at the sight of a boy but I have tripped up stairs before.

I also have a love for Bohemian Rhapsody. Just last weekend I was at a club and they played it. I then spent the entire song dancing like Garth. Not intentionally, that's just how I dance. Side note: why doesn't Freddie Mercury come up when you google the most awesome person in the world? What the eff, Google? Sadly, Garth and I don't have the same opinion of Jimi Hendrix. As much as I daydream, I've never managed to include one of his songs. Especially not with a hot chick making doughnuts.

Benjamin: “How do you feel about making a change?”
Garth: “We fear change”
Me: “Amen brother!”

I know you're supposed to embrace change and see the positive side of it. I try to embrace it most of the time but if a super attractive man with slicked back hair asked me that question when no one else was around I'd say the same thing. That change he's referring to could be anything i.e “how would you feel about me changing your consciousness using rohypnol, then moving you to a secondary location?” Thanks for the offer but I'm going to have to pass on that one, Benjamin.

Aside from our similarities, I also find his ingenuity astounding. Who the hell thinks to keep a weapon charged with electricity in the boot of their car? Also, who has the guts to use it on a person who can only be described as a man-yeti? In terms of self defence, I have a lot of work ahead of me if I want to be as awesome as this guy. I'm also yet to make $5,000 in a single day but when I do, I'm definitely installing a red licorice dispenser in my car.


At the end of the day, I guess I should acknowledge that I'll never dress like Garth. I'm enjoying the revival of 90s grunge but I swear on all that is sacred that I will never own a flannelette shirt, as long as I shall live. Feel free to hold me to that.

Saturday, 8 February 2014

24 Hour Social Hibernation

Social Hibernation is a concept I'm not too familiar with. To be perfectly honest, I would have spelled the word 'hibernation' incorrectly if it wasn't for spell check. Despite my lack of experience, I've started to really enjoy the time I spend alone. As such, I pencilled in a social hibernation for the weekend. Below is a timeline of events that lead to my failure.

Saturday
6:00am
Sadly, I can't actually hibernate because I have a cat. After half an hour of relentless meowing and pawing at my face, I agree to get her breakfast in exchange for some peace and quite.

6:05am
Back to bed.

7:10am
My mother calls. FML. After 26 minutes of polite mumbling, she gets the hint and leaves me alone. I have a little sip of NyQuil to avoid any further interruptions.

10:32am
That was a good nap. I check out Facebook & Instagram, then dose off again.

11:22am
I'm awoken by another phone call. Perhaps social hibernation would be more effective if I mentioned it to my social circle or put my phone on do not disturb. After chatting, I get lost on a Thought Catalogue tangent and end up falling asleep again.

1:15pm
I drag my arse out of bed to run some errands and do a bit of exercise... only because I have an ongoing competition and I'm currently losing.

3:00pm
Gossip Girl marathon – I accidentally lose 5 hours. How did that happen?

8:00pm
I decide to write about my day in the hope that it will stave off any guilt about being so lazy. I manage to come up with the words above and plan to subject you to them as some kind of cruel joke... Sorry about that.

9:19pm
My step brother messages me. He's at a club in the Valley, ten minutes from my house. It would be rude not to go, right?

10:25pm
I enter the club. I have an awesome night involving shots, slinkies, 90s music, a high school reunion, the Getaway Plan and random conversations with alternative boys.

4:00am
I get home.

6:00am
I'm awoken by my cat.

There's no denying my social hibernation was a failure. I won't be attempting it again any time soon. Now I'm left with a headache, an arm full of club stamps and a midday meeting that I can't reschedule. Where's the KFC at?!

Saturday, 1 February 2014

The One Millionth 20s To Do List

Call me crazy but I feel like the internet is seriously lacking when it comes to numbered lists that depict the ideal experience of a twenty-something. We're also experiencing a serious shortage of cat vids and memes but that's a whole different issue. Below are a few things you may or may not want to look into, before or after you turn 30.

1. Let's start with the basics... move out of the suburb you grew up in. For some, it may not seem like a big deal but there's nothing worse than being one of those people who leave the nest but never really travel far. Aside from the obligatory group holidays, they remain in the suburb they grew up in. The main offenders will only socialise with people from high school and try super hard to never leave the area – except for the annual camping trip where they load up their Toyota Camry, plaster a few more stickers across the bumper and pretend they have a life for a few days.

2. Fly to a different city for a single day. Everyone talks about moving to LA to work in film or traveling Europe to find yourself. I'm sure those experiences are awesome but for those of us who are too scared to take the leap, wake up early one Sunday morning and fly to the next city. There's something fun and slightly irresponsible about travelling without a hotel room or change of clothes. Have a late lunch when you land, enjoy a Sunday Sesh at an awesome bar and catch the last flight home for work on Monday.

3. Try that thing you always wanted to learn but had a million reasons not to. Everyone's got one, it might be parkour, hair dressing, graffiti, sewing or business management. Stop making excuses and give it a go – right now. Your only other choice is to be one of those people who wakes up at 40 with a family they resent for preventing them from following their dreams.

4. Work harder than you've ever worked before. Whether it's tertiary education, your career or social climbing the British Monarchy, now is the point in your life when you'll have the most time to dedicate to your personal goals. Achieve everything you can now so when it comes time for a family, you will have fulfilled your other goals and be able to focus on your offspring... no matter how desperately unappealing that may seem at the moment.

5. Wrap it before you tap it. How hilarious is that? I read that phrase for the first time this morning and love it! It's important to remember that even though we're older and wiser than we were in our teens, your life can still get majorly effed up by STDs or unplanned pregnancy.

6. Learn to be ok on your own. I know this is way more clich̩ than the rest of this list combined, but it's true. Many people forget that you're supposed to come out of your 20s resembling a fully functional adult. On top of all the other responsibilities, this means you should be able to have a meal in a restaurant on your own Рcue horror music. I am no where near ready for this yet but it's an important fear to conquer.