Thursday, 16 January 2014

The Dos & Don'ts of Living Alone

DO enjoy it, life is what you make it. Own the fact that you're independent and can do absolutely anything you want in your own home. There's no bitchy housemate telling you that you can't set your methlab up in the lounge room because it's blocking her view of the TV (I'm totally joking, by the way).

DON'T get a loft bed. Trust me on this one. Yes, they're fun most of the time and super practical for small spaces. The issue is, it sucks when you come home from a day of champagne at the polo and fall while attempting to climb the ladder. It's even worse when you wake up on the floor but find your phone charging on top of your bed. How did you get up there the first time? Why did you climb down again? Why don't you have a housemate to get you coffee and aspirin?

DO get a pet. Personally, I'm a cat lover. In rebuttal to the crazy cat lady image you're conjuring in your mind, I got my cat before I lived on my own. People tend to forget that Holly Golightly – the most stylish and glamourous fictional character of the 20th century – lived alone with a cat. It's just nice to have something to go home to.

DON'T live in a creepy-arse neighbourhood. Or do, it depends on how tough you are. My apartment is great, it's in one of those regular buildings situated in quite a nice area so there's better places to break into than mine. Also, I seem to have a bit of a rapport going on with the local creepers. I don't know how it happened but they're nice to me. At least I'll know the people who attempt to break in and murder me.

DO sleep with your Macbook. Not sharing a bed with someone means that if you can't sleep, you can use it without worrying about waking up your partner. I'm actually writing this in the middle of the night, laying sideways across my bed. It's strangely liberating.

DON'T forget to buy toilet paper. Thankfully, I'm not speaking from experience here but it's one of my biggest fears.

DO give your friend a spare key. Not only is this obvious and practical, but you can also experience that Seinfeld episode in real life. You may feel the need to give them a ring with 50 keys on it. Please, just remember that Kramer was a comedic mastermind and you may not be able to pull that move off. Don't beat yourself up about it.

DON'T hate your neighbours. They will be the ones to call an ambulance when you get stabbed during a burglary. In my experience, they're also good for putting your bin out and checking your mailbox. Sadly, I'm yet to steal wifi from anyone in my building.

DO buy a very small lounge. The less time you spend laying down watching TV, the more time you'll spend outside exercising... or drinking with friends. Either way, you're winning. Owning a super comfortable lounge is like owning a deep fryer – I imagine it would be great to start with but eventually, you'll have no reason to leave your home.

DON'T lose track of expiry dates. I used to buy lots of milk and yoghurt until I realised that I don't actually consume a great deal of it, even though I have it everyday. Now I buy the smallest quantities I can find because I'm not responsible enough manage that 'food safety' situation.

DO know a way to break into your house. If you leave your keys somewhere and feel like going home at 5am, the friend with your spare key won't be in the mood to drive to your house. Weather you have to squeeze through the bathroom window, scale your third floor balcony or hire an EWP to access your bedroom, have a Plan B.

DON'T rely on other people! Have a secure job and manage your finances properly. Also, learn how to fix things yourself. Thanks to youtube how-to vids, you can fix nearly anything on your own. There's no worse feeling than being the girl who needs boys to do everything for her. There's also no better feeling than nailing it on your own.

Friday, 10 January 2014

The Secret Life of Single Girls

People imagine the life of a young single girl to be filled with nights out, shopping and brunch dates with girlfriends – and it is. There's a few things though, that the rest of the world doesn't consider. I'm sure if they really bothered to ponder the possibilities, they'd come up with them on their own but who has time for that? I'm going to let you in on a few more activities that single girls get up to.

Eat chocolate for dinner... or breakfast
It's been scientifically proven that when a girl becomes single, her stomach changes it's rules and will accept any food, any time. This goes into overdrive during the mourning period and she is able to scoff entire tubs of ice cream in one go. When things settle down emotionally, she's still left with the ability to stomach chocolate at any time of the day or night.

I apologise for using such a girly word to describe the feeling but there really is nothing else that does it justice. I don't know if it's the polite smiles you get from random boys or the self assurance you feel when you realise you're actually killing it on your own. Whatever the cause, there's no denying you feel much more sparkly when single. If I reflect on my day to day life, I actually see a little montage in my head similar to the start of Clueless where Cher says “Okay so you're probably going 'Is this like, a Noxzema commercial, or what?'” 

Shave Their Legs Less Frequently
While single, I like to limit it to just once a week. Thank god for stockings! Every girl is different and timelines will vary but this is the reason a girl won't be happy if a boy spontaneously hits her up to stay the night. You have to plan that stuff if you wanna make it on Legs Day.

I certainly don't believe a female should arrange her life goals around the person she is seeing. It just so happens that when a relationship ends, there's usually a few goals left unreached that you were planning to achieve with your former partner. When that is no longer the case, it makes room for you to re-evaluate and come up with some goals to achieve on your own.

Allow Room For Improvement
As much as I don't want to admit it, most single girls spend a tiny portion of their time thinking about the qualities they'd like in their next partner... Or even if they'd like their next conquest to become a partner. It's kind of along the same lines as iOS updates: “I think I'd like this year's model to have a better sense of humour and bigger muscles”.

Dislike Attention From Passing Cars
I don't care what guys think, it's not nice to have horns beeped or cat calls hurled your way while you're exercising. I know it's meant as a compliment but why not try something more useful like offering to change a light bulb or put the heavy groceries in the car? Unless you actually know the person or would like to abuse them, the horn is not necessary.

There's a few more perks that I shan't go into detail about such as not wearing pants, eating chips while watching TV and sleeping in a shape similar to starfish. I guess you can pretty much bet money on the fact that if a single girl isn't out being fabulous, she's at home acting like a middle-aged man. Enticing, isn't it?

Wednesday, 8 January 2014

Apparently, Gen Y is Cynical

While trawling the internet in search of random entertainment this afternoon, I came across a rather interesting, albeit preposterous article on entitled Why Cynicism Is The Root Of All Gen-Y's Problems.

Holy generalisation, Batman!

The article states that Gen Y must address and be aware of the changes required to incite positivity in our lives which, by the way, are apparently flooded with cynicism and so much is lost because of that. The author goes on to briefly explain how the cynicism we harbour has a negative impact on happiness, time, friends and ourselves.

As a member of Gen Y, I have no respect for a person who trash talks an entire generation and boils all of their issues down to a single character fault. They say that before a problem can be solved, it must first be understood. Shall we take a look at how our generation may or may not have embraced such a distasteful outlook?

As children, we were wrapped up in endless possibilities for a bright future. The majority of Gen Y had the same formula for success drummed into them: finish school, go to uni then you can be what ever you want and make a lot of money. Not only were we fed optimistic garbage on a daily basis, we were blissfully unaware of what was happening in the world at the time.

In 1989 when the Berlin Wall fell, most of Gen Y wasn't even born yet. We were also too young to know the Gulf War existed. This left us to envision war as something that happened in the middle ages. We thought war was barbaric and outdated like public hangings. When the 9/11 attacks occurred in 2001, many of us were in primary school or younger and still had very little understanding of the effect it had on the families of victims and the rest of the world. Then in 2003, our happy little ideas were shattered when news anchors around the globe uttered two words we could not ignore, 'Iraq War'.

Yes, the phrase 'War on Terror' had been thrown around over the previous few years. However, no one was invading countries so we could write it off as political jargon and get on with our Pokemon games and Dolly magazines. When the Iraq War began, it was like a big smack around Gen Y's metaphoric head to say “Hey kids, this is the world you're really growing up in. Suck it!”

When it came time for us to graduate into the workforce, we were greeted with a disastrous economic climate thanks to the American Subprime Mortgage Crisis – of which, we were not a part. Even after this disappointment, we used our collective problem solving skills to adapt and conquer. Remaining in the nest longer than previously deemed acceptable gave Gen Y the ability to ensure ourselves stable incomes and living arrangements before we ventured out on our own. Despite our ingenuity, the Baby Boomer haters complained about the strain we put on our parents and labelled us The Boomerang Generation.

I'm not asking for a gold medal here but I think it's safe to say that if every Gen Y is cynical and it has ruined our lives, one would only need to look at our formative years to understand how we got to be in such a negative state. Whether we are or not, we must remember that cynicism hasn't prevented Gen Y from accomplishing vast advancements.

Gen Y haters have us to thank for the following improvements in the world:
  • Embracing social media and providing business with the most effective marketing tool to date
  • Actually giving a crap about the environment
  • Electing America's first African American President and Australia's first female Prime Minister
  • Increasing the ratio of tertiary educated women to men
  • Having the audacity to desire even more convenience in life and inventing various gadget-do-hickies to make it happen i.e. charging a phone in under 30 seconds
On behalf of all Gen Ys / Millennials out there, I'd like to take this opportunity to say a big “you're welcome” to all members of society who look down upon us for our saggy or unbelievably tight pants, snap backs and playsuits. Sartorial choices aside, we're actually not that bad.