Monday, 15 September 2014

8 Things I Learned From Fracturing My Ankle

I am not qualified to deal with emergencies
I fell to the ground and immediately began screaming. I was so panicked that I couldn't even rest my head on my backpack. I was crying and shivering and had to be told to calm down. It didn't even occur to me that screaming was not the best way to deal with a possible broken bone whilst 1km up a mountain.

It is possible to have a more hygienic toileting experience in the bush than in a doctor's surgery
The day of my injury, I climbed a mountain. We were prepared for the questionable lavatory conditions and packed some wet wipes to keep things clean. When we arrived at the doctor's surgery to get my ankle looked at, their toilet was down a long hallway and a few stairs. I hopped/staggered into the unknown by myself. Once I finally reached the bathroom... let's just say, time wasn't on my side. It wasn't until I'd relieved myself that I was confronted by the sight of an empty toilet roll. I hobbled all around in search of the basic sanitary requirement but to no avail. I am still tormented by chilling flashbacks of that afternoon.

Confidence is Temporary
I ended up with ankles the size of my head after my good one swelled as well. The day I got kankles, I kissed my confidence goodbye. It seemed as though the smallest of issues would result in me feeling embarrassed and wanting to get the hell out of whatever restaurant or movie theater I happened to be in. I found that different issues occupied my mind while experiencing those places. Instead of enjoying my meal and the company I was surrounded by, I found myself looking at other girls with their glossy hair, trendy outfits and unchallenged mobility.

I'm either an independent woman or a whiney baby – there's no in between
I take pride in getting things done on my own. When my boyfriend ended up becoming my care giver, I felt grateful but confused. Without him, everything would have been twice as hard but I know I would have gritted my teeth and found a solution to whatever issue I was dealing with.
Fun fact: those tasks become extremely difficult when someone is constantly trying to take care of you. When you're told to stay seated and someone will bring you your toothbrush, water and a cup to spit into, you end up believing that's the only way you're capable of brushing your teeth.

Men are afraid of angry women in pain
Working in a male dominated environment means I'm often surprised by some of the opposite sex's strange behaviour. After returning to work, I got to experience the joy of my pals coming into the office purely to laugh at my clumsiness. This part I didn't mind. If anything, I expected it. The weirdness occurred when I embarked on my only trip beyond the confines of my office. I was shocked and kind of humoured to see groups of men strangely dispersing as I ventured up the hallway on my crutches. I guess my severe case of bitch face may have scared them off.

I'm afraid of myself when I'm angry and in pain
Not only was I required to deal with the frustration of being unable to perform simple tasks like carrying my handbag, I also had to reign in my strong desire to yell at people. I assure you, this is not an issue I usually experience. As always, my number one victim was the person kind enough to help me with everything. Sadly, my internal fury was also released onto many other innocent bystanders. I honestly don't know how I still have friends.

Sometimes, it really sucks when you can't go to work
I found going to work was helping the feeling of uselessness brought on by my injury. Although my routine was adjusted to limit my movement, I still felt as though I was capable of contributing. That is, until the onsite nurse saw me on crutches and said I needed to leave site to ensure my safety. I am 100% behind any initiative to keep me alive and I understand their desire to avoid the obvious risk to HSE stats. However, working from a secondary location only increased my guilt of minimal contribution. Believe it or not, I really couldn't wait to get back onsite.

Cruel jokes are nicer than sympathy
My boss took the time out of his busy schedule to critique my ability to use crutches. I believe he said I was “really, really bad at that.” A friend found the kindness in her heart to laugh at me for using the crutches incorrectly and gave me a quick demo. My boyfriend loved me enough to laugh at me after checking I was ok, every time I fell over. It's small gestures like this that gave me a chance to indulge in a little self-depreciating humour. Aside from some fun pain killers, that's all a girl with a temporary injury can ask for.

Tuesday, 19 August 2014

The Unexpected Side Effects of a New Relationship

I used to spend half my time enjoying a quiet night in and the other half painting the town red with the craziest people I could find. Then one day, someone came along whom I decided I'd like to be with and things started to change. There were the more obvious changes that everyone expects such as dinner dates and having the desire to actually spend time with someone whilst sober. I also discovered a few changes occurring that I didn't predict. Below is a comprehensive arrangement of the surprising changes I found when I became loved up.

Your house gets a bit weird
These days, I am often confronted by the sight of rather large shoes at the front door. Also, strange things began to appear in my pantry... like... food. My fridge has also fallen victim to this absurd venture. It's almost as if someone who visits my apartment hopes to ensure I consume something that doesn't come from a cardboard box. My apartment's general appearance seems a bit different too, I regularly put my clothes away and wash my dishes. Weird.

You no longer want to spend time alone
I look back on those days with a happy feeling in my chest. I loved the time I had alone to write, read and spend way too much time browsing Thought Catalog. These days though, I'd rather gnaw on my own arm than spend three weeks without him. Too bad he travels for work. Some days we both feel like we run the risk of spontaneously combusting if we don't see each other. However, I'm happy to report that this perilous fate is yet to occur.

Secluded holiday destinations become your thing
While single, I thought of a holiday in the country as torture. I would have preferred to wear a matching tracksuit in public than spend my downtime driving through mountains and hiking scenic trails. Now, instead of spending my Christmas holidays in Vegas, I'm planning to visit Tasmania. What the actual fuck has happened to me? Let me assure you, I have not been coerced into this idea. I actually want to go there to see, like, wineries and mountains.

Being ready to go home at any time
Sure, going out is awesome and it's great to catch up with people but you never find yourself saying you'd like to stay out a bit longer. There's always something waiting for you at home – you know what.

You become 'that girl'
It's usually something like 'that girl who texts her boyfriend while she's out' or 'that girl who communicates with her boyfriend via Instagram'. Any lovebird behaviour you detested when single, you now understand. Be warned, you may actually start performing these behaviours... including becoming 'that jogging couple'.

So what's next? I suppose, as always, time will tell. Will my dignity suffer an untimely death when I become part of a couples' Facebook account? Perhaps I'll spend my Sunday mornings trawling through produce and sniffing roses at a farmer's market. At this point, the only thing I can be sure of is this: even though some of these changes seems rather disconcerting, it's a happy ending for this sardonic, independent lady.

Sunday, 3 August 2014

Writer's Block

It has been two weeks, four days, 19 hours and 55 minutes since my last blog post. I shamefully admit that was resurrected from the ‘Too Shit For Blog’ folder in my Documents Drive. I have been avoiding my blog in recent months due to a personal fear.

This fear began some time ago when I entered into a new relationship. At first I didn’t blog because, as always, a new love is all consuming. I then found it difficult to write, even when I had many hours alone. There were a few sporadic attempts as one would gather from the disregarded documents which are still sitting open, unsaved on my MacBook. It seemed that my former knack for developing ideas and the initial spark of inspiration that once woke me in the middle of the night had vanished.

Then I began to see the issue. My posts are always inspired by current events in my life – ground breaking, right? The development of a new relationship inspired articles such as ‘The Unexpected Side Effects of a New Relationship’ and ‘RIP Batch Life’. I was terrified the blog I’d based on the life of an independent, sardonic young female would no longer appeal to its audience if it contained articles chronicling events that often involved another person.

As unsettling as this growing fear is, I can no longer stay silent. Sadly, it would appear that I can’t even stay silent when my shiny new boyfriend is in the room and I need to suppress flatulence. This shortcoming, along with many others, made me realise that I will navigate my way through this relationship the same way I do with all other aspects of my life. Embarrassed determination will carry me through the honeymoon phase and provide many shameful yet hilarious situations for your reading pleasure.

Stay tuned, shit is about to get humiliating!

Wednesday, 16 July 2014

A Crush is Similar to a Mosquito Bite

Ok... so it's not the most romantic comparison ever made but hear me out.

It's a little bit frustrating.

The more you think about it, the more intense it gets.

It can prevent you from sleeping at night.

The lightest touch can send you into a frenzy.

You want to indulge in 'scratching your itch' but you know you'll only crave it more.

You either know the second it bites or you don't realise until it's too late – there's no in between.

It seems like it will never end.

It's impossible to stop the sensation, even if it hurts.

It may encourage you to remove any particularly irritating articles of clothing.

You can rarely get enough.

If you mange to hit the spot, you feel shivers.

It's not always easy to reach.

It's one of your first thoughts when you wake up and continues sporadically throughout the day.

For guys, sometimes using two hands still doesn't fix the problem.

Friday, 13 June 2014

PSA: New Superbug, Romanticitis

This is a public service announcement to inform all readers of a new pandemic known as Romanticitis. Many have witnessed or even experienced mild symptoms in the past, however the virus has now become medically identified as a superbug.

To prevent the spread of this debilitating disease, please monitor all members of society for any of the following grotesque symptoms which sufferers may display:
  • A debilitating infatuation with a new love interest.
  • An abnormally busy schedule involving people the patient may not usually associate with e.g. love interest's friends and family.
  • Slow, romantic strolls though leafy avenues and cafe infested neighbourhoods, often filled with laughter, hand-holding, picking flowers and touching love interest's face. In a few very extreme cases, sufferers have been witnessed carving their names into the trunk of a prominent tree.
  • Inability to resist the 'perfect day'. The day tends to include brunch and a stroll through an indy art gallery. This is often followed by a long drive through the country until the sufferers can locate a quaint cottage-style restaurant boasting a view and Devonshire tea.
  • Attending long romantic lunches that involve googly eyes, sharing meals, and apologies from wait staff for interrupting when sufferers are too busy gazing longingly at each other to notice that their meals have arrived.
  • The completion of the simplest and most basic tasks becomes a reason to make-out. These include but are definitely not limited to finding a car park, successfully purchasing movie tickets, parting ways to visit separate public toilets, and agreeing on a wine selection for a dinner party.
The public have been asked to remain vigilant for any signs of Romanticitis. The above symptoms may impact the behaviour of any citizen, including oneself. A brave young male whom fell victim to the virus has come forward to raise awareness of this issue in his local community.

“One day, you wake up feeling good. Then the next thing you know, you're booking a hotel room in your own city and getting knowing smiles from staff at gelato shops... Gelato shops, for god's sake! You're sure they're thinking things like, 'oh yeah, everyone in here knows you two are gonna go home and bone.”

The authorities are warning the general public to remain indoors and take precautionary measures. These measures include:
  • Ceasing all personal grooming regimes.
  • Wearing protective clothing items such as tracksuit pants and stretched t-shirts. If these items are unavailable to you, teaming a pair of Crocs with any outfit will provide the same protection.
  • Disabling all online dating profiles.
  • Limiting social media interaction to close family and unbearably annoying individuals.
If you or someone you know has fallen victim to Romanticistis, please communicate the following to the patient's love interest via text message.

We need to take a break. My ex and I are having a baby. Sorry, not sorry.

Wednesday, 28 May 2014

The Mature Way to Deal with a Hectic Skedge

We’ve all had those weeks where you’re constantly occupied. It starts out with a nice dinner on Wednesday, a birthday party on Saturday and an optometrist appointment the following Thursday. Before you know it, something unexpected pops up that demands the remainder of your time like a major project at work or one of those godforsaken house inspections. When it all gets to be too much and you just want a second to yourself, it can be hard to negotiate a free afternoon without being totally irresponsible. Here are a few tips I’ve come across that never seem to impact your life in a negative manner.

Cancel all medical-related engagements
There’s no need to worry about that funny spot on your back or that numbness in your right arm. You haven’t binge watched TV in days – treat yo self! Rescheduling your appointment at the last minute is payback for all the times you’ve missed happy hour because your doctor was running late.

Bail on that birthday party
So what if your best friend has been there for you through everything? Now is the time to send flowers to her workplace with a cute little card explaining that you won’t make it to her party. You’re too far behind in your Thought Catalog browsing to justify the time required to select an outfit, much less actually make an appearance.

Get your car washed another day
Sure, there is enough avian faecal matter covering your vehicle to ensure unwanted attention from quarantine officers and passengers may actually gasp when exposed to the interior. It’s not like it can get much worse - procrastination is vital in this scenario. You should stay back at work where no one will bother you while you attempt to come up with something resembling a blog post. What’s more important? Preserving the value of a new car or a deadline set by yourself with no actual ramifications if the timeline is not met? Obvi, it’s the latter.

Say yes to that dinner date
You have a house inspection the following day and you’re not entirely sure if you have clean clothes for tomorrow but you don’t need to deal with that stuff tonight. Some would say receiving an adorable dinner invite is the universe telling you that you need a break. Others would say you'll regret your procrastination in the morning. Those haters are clearly unaware of the empowering nature behind social media and hashtags such as #noregrets.

Ignore your phone
You receive a random call while you're getting reacquainted with Instagram. What do you do? You certainly can't answer it, then insist you require quiet time. That phone call could be work related or worse, it could be your doctor calling because you missed your appointment (Ok, so you didn't actually cancel it in the first place). When you begin to feel guilty about wasting their time and an appointment slot that someone could have used, just remind yourself that you didn't slash anyone's tires. There are worse people out there.

Be Aggressive
When you get stressed and feel as though you'd convert to Hasidism if it guaranteed a quiet moment, taking it out on other people is a sure fire way to ensure those event invitations cease rolling in. You'll never have to endure another acquaintance’s house warming or baby shower if you chew them out for acknowledging you when you enter a room. It's a rather effective way to set yourself up for the future. Remember, planning ahead is vital for achieving success.

Tuesday, 20 May 2014

Five People You Meet in a Group Workout

Ok folks, for those of you who don't speak fluent Fitness Freak, I've done the research. Below are the CliffsNotes to people you should look out for in your first training session.

The Go-Getter
They're always at the front of the pack and never appear to tire. Your first instinct may be to internally enter a jealous rage and hate them. That feeling will last approximately three seconds. Then they'll help you or have a friendly chat and you'll keep your green-eyed monster in check. This person may even become one of your favourite workout buddies.

The Bailer
Maybe not everyone, but most people want to give up at some point during a workout. Usually the fear of your trainer will keep you going. Those who have the guts to disobey the person they're paying to whip them into shape are called a Bailer. Depending on how brave The Bailer is, they may sneakily give up on the last set of burpies or they may actually leave the session early. If you, yourself are a bailer, my trainer has a great mantra for you: your mind will give up before your body. I know this to be true. Countless times I've wished I could pass out just to avoid dragging my arse around the circuit again.

The Chuck Norris
Despite their age, this person has got it going on. In my experience, The Chuck Norris is usually older and can do just about anything. No matter how long the training session lasts, they're always putting in 100%. They also manage to look great while killing it. They often have slightly tanned skin that doesn't go red at the thought of physical activity and their hair never frizzes. I think everyone hopes to turn into a Chuck Norris one day. Sadly, I don't have the complexion for it.

The Trainer
Some can be pure evil, others are decent human beings. You never know which type you prefer until you feel like you're going to vomit and someone either yells at you or casually states that you can do it. Some may even take the nice trainers for granted until they find themselves knee deep in exhaustion while an evil trainer is screaming at them in a Gordon Ramsay fashion. Don't be fooled by the nice trainer's positive facade, though. If you're caught purchasing a brownie after a training session, they will smile while asking the server to swap your snack for something more healthy. This is another clever way they can trick you into running... even if it's out of a cafe with chocolatey goodness in your clutches.

You're attending the training session even though it's not really your 'thing' because you're trying to better yourself. In an ideal world, you'd be one of those people who are addicted to exercise without ever putting in the hard yards to build up your fitness. During the session, you come to the realisation that you can better yourself from the comfort of your lounge. While trying to endure walking lunges, you make a mental note to watch Nat Geo the next time you're hit with the urge to make something of yourself.

It's important to remember that all of these people are necessary for a successful group training session. While your version of improvement may be 20km less than someone else's, watching them push themselves is inspirational. You hate yourself during the training and often the day after. However, when the session ends, the endorphins rushing through your body make you say something crazy like “See you next time.” You then have no choice but to return and so, the cycle begins. You're on your way to becoming fit.