Friday, 29 November 2013

Seven Reasons Why Being a Zombie Would be the Bomb Diggity

In every movie, the zombie is always the bad guy. Sure, they eat people's brains and walk around like mad creepers but maybe it's not that bad when you're on their team. Before you write me off as crazy, here's a few points to consider...

Zombies never look stressed
You could spend days discussing the different interpretations of this creature however, I am yet to find a movie that shows a zombie rushing to work or studying for an exam. They're always just hanging out, dragging the chain. I've never tried drugs myself but they remind me of the stoners that would wander around my high school saying words like “maaaaan” and “baaaaaked”.

Goodbye, beauty regime!
Zombies have absolutely no need to cleanse, tone, exfoliate or moisturise. In fact, they never wash, blow dry or straighten their hair either. Nor do they have to muster the courage to remove the hair from the shower drain. Imagine how many extra hours they have to wander the streets, groaning like dying goats. No wonder they're never stressed.

No more washing your clothes
Ironing and hanging up clothes doesn't bother me that much because I rarely do it but I'd be keen to trade eating chocolate for brains if it meant I never had to sort another load of darks and whites. Being a zombie means you can literally wear the same outfit forever. Lets hope no one falls for one of those short lived trends when choosing their zombie attire. If I had to look at teenage zombies walking around with their butts hanging out of their shorts for all eternity, I'd eat my own brain... if zombies have them.

They can never lose arguments
Sure, they'll never win them either but no one can argue with someone who's only response is “uuuurghh”. For people like me who are terrified of confrontation, this sounds like a dream come true. In most zombie movies, they aren't shown in any kind of uncomfortable social scenes. Awkward situations happen to me almost hourly on a regular day... sometimes I don't even understand why I blush. I don't know about you but this is a particularly appealing point for me.

It's not weird when your zombie pals don't laugh at your jokes
Depending on what movie you're thinking of, chances are the zombies can't actually make jokes. Imagine how cool it would be if they could and the awkward silence and crickets in the background were normal? I spend about a quarter of my life making unfunny jokes and another tenth pretending to laugh at other people's. Not in a mean way, I'm just trying to be nice. It would be awesome if I didn't have to worry about this.

It wouldn't be rude to ignore your neighbours
I've said before that I have adorable neighbours and I stand by it. There are a few though, that I'd rather not mumble a 'hello' to while walking past as fast as possible. Zombies have no need to avoid eye contact at the supermarket or local cafes either. Not only do they not use manners, they don't buy food which rules out both scenarios.

Being a zombie is a career
You would never have to answer questions like “what do you want to be in life?”. Hallelujah! You may feel a slight sadness at not being able to reach your goals but just eat some brains and it'll pass. If not, you'll have all eternity to come to terms with your failed dreams of being a fashion designer / evil genius / hair dresser.

So there you have it folks. It might pay to rethink you position on resisting a potential zombie apocalypse. I'd much prefer to be a zombie than deal with an I am Legend situation... safety in numbers. Call me a sheep if you like. I'll just snack on your brains for afternoon tea, mother f******.

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