Tuesday, 29 October 2013

Blair Waldorf: Not Just an Evil Dictator




Fashion god, leader of mean girls or evil dictator... Blair Waldorf can be described as many things. People who'd be star struck by meeting Blair would feel just as excited about having King Jong-un over for Christmas Dinner. What I'm getting at here, is any girl with morals or a conscience would not call Blair an inspiration... until now. Thanks to the writers of Gossip Girl, I have been pulled out of a recent funk by the scripted wisdom of this evil genius.

So the story started in late June when I broke up with my boyfriend. We were together for 3.5 years and were best friends. Sadly, that's all we really were. It was time to face the fact that we were no longer romantically involved. At least that meant the break up could be amicable.

As we were really just friends anyway, I didn't miss him in the way you'd usually miss an ex. I just felt a little sad because I'd lost the friend who knew me the best. Anyone would miss such a person. Not only was I dealing with this loss, I was also confused because I didn't know why I missed someone I wasn't even really with for the last year or so. Then, thanks to Blair Waldorf, I had an epiphany.

In the first season, Blair explains her parent's divorce to Serina who ran away to boarding school for a year. She sums up her Mum perfectly:

“So my Dad left her for another man... She lost fifteen pounds and got an eye lift. It's been good for her.”

It was Blair's matter-of-fact statement and blank facial expression that pulled me out of my sad state. Scratch that – sad is an exaggeration. Maybe you would call it “not quite loving absolutely everything about life”. Whatever it is, Blair Waldorf inspired me to get over it with a little variation of this line: “So we broke up. I lost five kilos and moved to New Farm. It's been good for me”.

Talk about timing... why didn't I have this epiphany while I was dreading the inevitable questioning of my break up? In the early days of my newly found singledom, I had to dodge endless questions whilst choking back tears. If I had this matter-of-fact, careless response, people would have been given enough information to leave me alone without me getting upset.

Up until a couple of days ago, I was adjusted to my new life and doing well except for missing the bond I had with my ex. Thanks to Blair's careless evaluation of her mother's emotional state, mine has improved to a point where I'm happy with every aspect of my life. Sure, I'm no closer to seeing France than I was last week, nor do I own an Alfa Romeo or Audi TT. Regardless of my materialistic goals, I'm happier and healthier than I was last Tuesday night. Is that not the true meaning of growth and progression? I've nailed it!

Saturday, 19 October 2013

I Just Realised I'm Holly Golightly

After consuming more alcohol than I should before sunset and spending the evening with a boy I'm not entirely fascinated with, I went home to watch a movie: Breakfast at Tiffany's. It's now 2:38 am and I am wide awake after making this startling yet amusing discovery. Before I elaborate any further, I shall state that I have never accepted $50 for the powder room, nor have I assisted in passing cryptic messages between members of the Mafia.

I guess in the grand scheme of things I won't end up like Holly but my current situation seems to pose a great deal of resemblance to her own. For starters, I live alone with a cat in a tiny apartment in the inner city suburbs. I always make the effort to look classic and well put together even though I don't have the most impressive bank account.

For a reason I can't seem to identify, I can never quite look after myself properly. I do try but it just seems so difficult to cook and tidy my apartment. I'm surviving just fine and I'm determined to do things on my own but I'm not too sure how long I'll be able to survive on crackers and takeaway. I've been meaning to look into vegetables for a while now.

Then there's the prelude. I also grew up in a less than glamourous area and moved away as soon as I was old enough. These days, I don't keep in contact with anyone from the area, including family members. I suppose I have changed a lot since I left, as I'm sure everyone else has. If my family came to find me, they may as well call me by a different name as I am certainly a different person to the girl they knew.

My day was one that Holly would have experienced numerous times before. I was at an event during the day and began drinking. When I got home I had a few hours between engagements so I did one of my favourite things: cider in New Farm Park. Much like Holly's love affair with Tiffany's, New Farm Park makes me feel like nothing bad could happen there. Even if you're on your own you can sit on a blanket, read and watch all the families and groups of friends having fun. Everyone is always so happy, it looks like a Hallmark ad.

When evening came, I hung out with a boy who makes me feel somewhat like Holly does about her string of male suitors. He's an absolutely lovely person but I'm certainly not crazy about him. I have a sneaking suspicion that if I kept him around long enough, he'd turn into a rat like the rest of them. We had a nice evening but I won't be seeing him again.

That brings me to the present moment. After watching Breakfast at Tiffany's when I got home, I am now sitting on my bed typing this. Sitting next to me is a bottle of S. Pellegrino which I am drinking from a martini glass. Like Holly, this may appear to be mildly fabulous but the truth is, I can't afford the best of everything. I splurge on the best sparkling water because it cures hang overs. As for the martini glass, they're stored on the shelf below my regular glasses so I usually use them instead as it requires less effort.

As for Holly being slightly erratic and a little bit fake, I can definitely relate. If I'm not focusing on work, my imagination takes over and before I know it I'm off in la la land riding unicorns and eating fairy floss clouds. It really does make it hard to keep track of things. I often project a certain persona too. Not one that isn't accurate. It's more like the person I'd rather be than the one I actually am. For example, I make the effort to be happy and excited when most of the time I'd rather be asleep.

You may or may not have realised that the majority of similarities between Miss Golighty and myself are actually faults. These faults have been making me feel rather unhappy of late. It's nice to know that my faults are the same as one of the most glamourous, iconic characters of the 1900s. This is yet another reason why I should have my own TV show!

Sunday, 6 October 2013

Twelve Life Lessons I Learnt From Clueless


We've all seen it at least once. Weather or not you can admit to yourself that you love it is a different story but no one can deny the hilarious quotes and ground breaking fashion that pioneered the post-grunge trends of the late 90s. Clueless may not be right up there with the Macquarie Dictionary when it comes to educational value but there's a few gems in there that everyone should be aware of.

If it's a concussion, you have to keep her concious, okay? Ask her questions.”
Even if you didn't like the storyline, you got yourself some free first aid training when Tai took a clog to the head at the Val party. I also have to give credit to Heath Ledger and 10 Things I Hate About You for reiterating this valuable lesson four years later.

In some parts of the universe – maybe not in contempo-casual – but in some parts, it's considered cool to know what's going on in the world.”
I will admit that I'm not the most informed person when it comes to current events but thanks to Josh's post-adolescent idealistic phase, I often get the desire to check out the ninemsn news page before I head to the celebrity gossip site (no need to judge me, I already loath myself for this addiction). At least it's not Ren & Stimpy.

On top of everything else, I had the driving test so I had to find my most capable looking ensemble.”
Dress for success people! Make sure your white collarless shirt from Fred Segal isn't at the dry cleaners the next time you have an important business meeting. You don't want to be stuck wearing a baby blue miniskirt and white over the knee socks.

What the man needs is a good, healthy boinkfest.”
I'm certainly not encouraging my readers to turn to a life of sex addiction but I do agree that sometimes, you just need to release some built up tension. No one wants to end up as grumpy as Mr Hall is before he hooks up with Miss Geist.

Legs crossed towards each other – that's an unequivocal sex invite.”
Obviously, you're able to face someone while your legs are crossed without your body language screaming “BONE ME!”. However, I am still painfully aware of this quote every time I realise I have my legs crossed in public. Then I hope the person they were facing doesn't remember every word from the movie. I usually have to pretend my face isn't red too.

It is one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at parties but it is quite another to be fried all day.”
Although I've never actually been stoned, Cher always pops into my head when I feel like having a quiet drink on a week night. I may or may not have her to thank for never developing a substance abuse problem.

'Tis a far better thing doing stuff for other people.”
If Cher didn't read that book in ninth grade, I may not have a conscience today. Even though it's not completely selfless, I do enjoy doing good deeds when I feel crap about myself. It's the easiest way to feel better.

She's a full on Monet.”
From far away it's ok but up close it's a big old mess! Amber is a constant reminder that stealing Cher's dress out of the laundry and wearing it to a party will not fix your ugly face. I have a hunch you're thinking of a Monet you know right now.

Actually, going all the way is like, a really big decision. I can't believe I was so capricious about it.”
Thanks to Cher's epic fail with a gay boy named Christian, I learned at the tender age of five that losing your virginity was, like, a big thing. Even if I didn't know what virginity was then. I can confirm that when the time came, I remembered these words and they served me well.

Count to 100. Thank you.”
When mugging Cher in Sun Valley, the mugger has the decency to say thank you after stealing her phone, purse and forcing her to ruin her dress. If this crack head can use manners, there is absolutely no reason for anyone else to forget them... somehow, I still do though.

Why am I even listening to you? You're a virgin who can't drive.”
I guess younger people learnt this from the cinematic masterpiece of Mean Girls but for us 90's kids, Tai's brutal burn was a lesson that words can hurt and you should choose them wisely. If not, you will be in total agony for a week before making up with your bestie at a skateboarding competition.

I am majorly, totally, butt crazy in love with Josh. Now I don't know how to act around him.”
This quote has literally stunted my social growth. If I decide I like a boy, I can't talk to him in person unless I'm drunk. It's not as bad as Raj from Big Bang Theory but I blush and I can't think of anything to say. Having said that, I usually blush at least four times a day for other reasons so what's one more, right?

Now if I can trouble you to think back to Cher's debate over Haitian asylum seekers:

And in conclusion, may I please remind you that it does not say RSVP on the Statue of Liberty!